You know your in East Africa when...

1. you have a vehicle accident and after climbing out the windows the other (local) occupants congratulate the driver for only endangering their lives not actually claiming any. then the vehicle is righted and pushed out of a ditch, the exhaust system left to rust and the journey continues nothing more said.
2. the web of corruption is so vast with so many greedily out stretched hands that it becomes more cumbersome and expensive than taking the official route.
3. someone wakes you while trying to steal your pants (the ones you're wearing) on an train.
4. democratic elections incite a nationwide crime wave (collection of campaign funds).
5. the vehicle you are traveling in signals an oncoming vehicle to stop and requests the use of a window winder, only to be refused because they are also void of window winders.
6. your in a vehicle designed for at most half of its current occupants. my personal bests (people, not including cargo or children, because they don't count): Ute 32, car 12, van (low roof) 26.
7. you are referred to you by the colour of your skin and it is not racist.
8. you hear rumours like: people from the developed world (or the Global North for the PC freaks) are sponsored by their respective governments to travel; the same group are sitting on the cure to AIDS but preventing it from coming to Africa.
9. you're meeting travelers with business cards advertising themselves as travelers.
10. conversations end with a discussion about how one can emigrate from their respective countries to your country. And how they have long wanted to come to your, but i cant remember the name right now, country.
11. you're at concert and you see a policeman (in uniform) on duty swinging his semi automatic assault rifle over his back like it's a toy, sculling a beer and flirting with some local ladies. all this while clearly struggling to keep his own balance.

Dan's D.I.Y. safari dot com

Two days in Nairobi and i call it enough and decide after breakfast to stuff my money into an many different places as i can think of and hit the road on the next matatu (Toyota Hiace bus) and head for the mountains. I collect some food from the supermarket and pack my bag. I pack it light, there ain't going to be no porter helping me on this safari. The final words i hear as i leave are the pleas of the tour operator in my hostel telling me that i will be extorted if i do not book tours from Nairobi, it turns out to be blatantly untrue.

My impression of Kenya has been a contradictory one, on one side I have met many many nice people and have had many very good conversations, received many meals and other gifts. On the other hand there are some really bad people here, the poor girls that i met on the plane and shared a taxi with were hijacked at gun point within hours of being in Nairobbery being a prime, but not isolated example. The roads throughout the north are plagued with bandits and i have known of people being stopped and killed on the very roads i have had to use in the days before and after my journeys. Also the weather, we have had some good and some bad but each day itself seems to appreciate and value the sunset, accordingly the skies clear and the sun retreats directly over the horizon to my enjoyment. There are also many tourists here, but a distinct lack of travelers.

The safari has been running for about two weeks now, the closest that i got to a safari vehicle was sitting on top of a livestock truck straddling a 1.5 inch bar for 8 hours over the worst road that i have ever traveled. The road wasn't so bad in that it was impassible but that it was just good enough to encourage the driver to do a normal road speed, the casualty being the safety and limbs of all aboard. The feeling has yet to return to my bum and both palms are still glowing like a ripe apple due to the frequent and fearful white knuckle fever as i and the other Africans balanced ducking under thorn tree branches and held on during the brief periods of flight. Oh well at least the goats will break my fall.

All this while looking for the wildlife, snapping the occasional picture and ensuring my hat and glasses don't fly off to oblivion, the fate for two of my co pilots. Their hats were last seen being stamped on my zebra as we sailed into the distance, the metaphor holds quite correct as the truck is more like a large ocean going vessel as complaint of articles lost overboard will result in nothing, if not laughter.

For any adventurers (or those on a budget) looking to make a repeat journey, here are a couple of tips for what i like to think of as "the That Guy speed cooking equivalent safari":

• don't wear white
• bring a head mounted collision absorption appendage
  
• have your camera ready at all times and don't drop it
• don't eat the yellow snow

It's definitely a budget safari, there is no doubt. The comfort levels are low to non-existent, the safety is a lottery but the adventure and adrenaline levels reign supreme. I have met one other traveler, funnily enough he was an Electrical Engineer from the University of Auckland too, I cant help but think that we are both doing our part to spread the legend of the kiwi man one village further each day through our brazen roughness.